Top Ten Horror Films

Horror was the last genre that I embraced as a movie lover. I don't really enjoyed being scared. In fact, it kind of makes me angry most of the time (just ask my wife.) I've also found that most of the horror films that I've seen are pretty contrived, and are more concerned with upping the gore factor than with telling an effective story.

While I still believe that there are exponentially more bad scary movies than good, it's understandable given that it's possibly the most difficult genre for a director to pull off well, but it's worth sorting through the garbage to find the few gems. Great horror movies allow us to confront our fears in a safe environment and posit tough questions so that we may discover new things about ourselves. They show us the unthinkable so that we may think on the horrors that exist in our daily lives. They aren't content to simply scare, they create an atmosphere, envelop us and linger in the sub-conscious long after the movie's over. They are reflexive, cathartic, therapeutic. This is what horror does better than anything else and it's why I've come to love being scared. These are the top ten horror films that provoked the strongest reactions out of me.

10. Scream

This is one of the first slasher films I ever saw (through my fingers) and it holds up beautifully. It works so well as a horror film that I often forget it's also a clever spoof that takes aim at the precise formula that the slasher genre had devolved into. The iconic opening scene ratchets the tension up to 11 and never relents. The self-aware dialogue is so funny and such a joy to behold that it makes you forget what kind of movie you're watching. This renders the resulting descent into horror so much more harrowing. Scream adeptly skewers the competition while also being better at skewering than the competition. It has guts and brains, a rare combination.

9. The Blair Witch Project

The spawn of the found-footage epidemic is still one of the best examples of how to use the convention right. This film reminds us that what we don't see is often far more terrifying than what we do see. The film purports to be an actual documentary, following a small group of kids into the woods of their sleepy New England town in search of the fabled Blair Witch. The realistic presentation absorbs us into the film as if we're one of the characters and makes the terror within feel entirely too plausible for comfort. At the time of it's release, there were even some people who didn't realize the film was fictional. For me, this is still one of the most unsettling viewing experiences of my life. The final frames haunted me for days. 

8. 28 Days Later

The Walking Dead owes an enormous debt of gratitude to this British zombie flick. The film follows Jim, who awakens from a coma in an abandoned hospital (sound familiar yet) only to discover that an outbreak has turned most citizens into mindless flesh eaters. The similarities don't end there. The film also chooses to focus less on the "monsters" and more on the social decay that follows such an event and how it affects the humanity of its survivors. The difference is that the zombies here aren't zombies at all, they're rage-infected humans. They're fast, feral and probably the most frightening incarnation of the undead ever conjured. A single drop of their blood can infect a human in 20 seconds flat. There is no such thing as a comforting farewell here. The terror is relentless, the drama is poignant and the film is a masterpiece of the genre. 

7. A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

It may not be the scariest movie ever made but I dare you to dream up a more frightening concept than a man who can invade your dreams and kill you in your sleep. Sleep is necessary. Sleep is inevitable. There's no escape. No matter how much you resist, you have to succumb to it eventually. Here the teens have to face off against one of the most chilling and enduring horror icons in film history: the razor-gloved, hideously disfigured Freddy Krueger. The dialogue and acting may be a bit dated but there's no denying that the film exudes style, keeps the scares coming in rapid succession and toys with our perception of reality in some inventive ways. Freddy became a bit more comical as the series went on but here he's as serious as a heart attack and his appearance alone is likely to give you one. 

6. Bug

Nevermind The Exorcist, this is William Friedkin's masterpiece. Set in a single hotel room, Bug weaves a tale warning about the pitfalls of unquestioning love and unsubstantiated paranoia. On the surface, it more closely resembles a low-key character drama than a traditional horror film. Make no mistake, the film is a foreboding slow burn that escalates into something that -- like the titular "bugs" that may or may not exist -- really gets under your skin. Michael Shannon's performance in this movie is, frankly, one of the best I've ever seen in anything. Even during scenes where it's all you want to do, you can't take your eyes off of him. He's magnetic, ferocious, uncompromising, unbelievable yet utterly convincing. He makes you want to believe in him, even though you know you shouldn't, which is where the true horror in this film lies. 

5. The Fly (1986)

It may sound odd but this is the kind of movie I like to watch when I'm sick because, even though I may feel awful, I can always say, "hey, at least I'm not that guy. That guy in question is Seth Brundle (Jeff Goldblum) a brilliant scientist who has discovered the key to teleportation. At least, he thinks he has. The only thing needed to prove his invention is a human trial. A lone fly gets trapped in the pod with him and the two become one. Goldblum's transformation is, to put it bluntly, disgusting. He's slowly falling apart but he's also slowly falling in love with Veronica (Geena Davis) which makes his decay sting with tragedy. Anyone who's had a loved one suffer from a terminal illness will know that the pain in this film is anything but fiction. 

4. The Thing (1982)

Imagine an organism that can absorb and assume the appearance and memories of anything it touches. How do you know who's themself and who's... something else. The sense of paranoia in John Carpenters The Thing is almost unbearable and it's made even more tense by the atmosphere that he creates. The Antarctic setting leaves you feeling cold and isolated. The Thing forces us to question our perceptions of ourselves and our neighbors. We never know when something sinister is lurking beneath the surface of even our closest friends. Carpenter preys on that fear mercilessly. The movie has one of the best ambiguous endings of all time and Kurt Russel is the ultimate badass. His beard alone should have been enough to scare the thing away. It would me. 

3. Jaws

It's kind of strange to think that the world's first blockbuster was a horror movie. Alas, Jaws is the quintessential horror movie and launched the career of one of the world's most renowned directors, Steven Spielberg, though I can't give him all the credit. The malfunctioning shark prop prompted Spielberg to only give us fleeting glimpses of the shark until the big showdown at the end. The gamble worked. It capitalizes on our fear of the unknown and keeps us shaking in our seats in anticipation of the big reveal. It doesn't hurt that the rest of the movie is top-notch too, with well-rounded characters, memorable lines and that dreadful John Williams score, it's amazing to think that it was considered a huge risk before it was released. Though, I guess not as big of a risk as skinny-dipping off the coast of Amity Island. 

2. Let Me In

Let Me In is the story of two young misfits growing up in New Mexico, dealing with bullies, family drama, etc. Oh, did I mention that one of them (Chloe Moretz) is a vampire? Easily the most poetic of all the films on the list, the film works beautifully as a both a melancholic coming-of-age tale and a new take on the vampire mythos. The performances are magnificent, especially the mature turns from the two young leads, who were around 12-years-old at the time of filming. The characters are vividly drawn, the story is moving and the horror is understated yet affecting. Many think the original Swedish film Let the Right One In is superior, and maybe it is, but I'm a sucker for the American setting and 80s pop culture references. 

1. Alien

Alien often feels like a dream. The way the camera floats around the halls of the richly detailed spaceship is mesmerizing. It lulls you into a feeling of comfort early on, and then betrays you by setting a deadly alien loose aboard the ship. Much like The Thing, the sense of alienation is overwhelming. There's no means of escape and the Alien's acidic blood means you can't destroy it without punching a hole in the ship and killing the entire crew. What's more interesting is that the Alien's nature isn't really homicidal at all, it's simply trying to survive. The "And Then There Were None" formula has rarely been put to better use, if ever. This is achieved mostly by making us care about the characters, especially Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver), film's greatest heroine. It also looks like it was filmed yesterday and includes some extraordinary practical effects which have rendered the film timeless. Oh, did I mention it's scary? It's not only the best horror movie ever made, it's also one of my favorite movies of all time. 

Honorable Mentions: Evil Dead II, The Cabin in the Woods, Cabin Fever, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Silence of the Lambs, The Crazies, Dawn of the Dead, Frankenstein. 

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2

Director: Bill Condon
Starring: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Billy Burke, Michael Sheen.
Written by: Melissa Rosenberg (screenplay) Stephenie Meyer (novel).
Rated PG-13 for sequences of violence including disturbing images, some sensuality and partial nudity.

When it comes to the Twilight franchise, I've always existed somewhere in the middle of the spectrum. I fail to comprehend the reason behind the series' immense success, but I also think that the backlash it has received in response to it's popularity is unwarranted. At least, I used to feel that way. That is, until I saw Breaking Dawn Part 2 and was forced onto the naysayers' bandwagon against my will. This movie is about as bad as it gets.

Guess who wins...
You're wrong. 

It's abundantly clear that the decision to split the final chapter into two films was entirely a financial one. There's absolutely no creative excuse for it, and the film suffers tremendously. It's all filler, no killer, if you will. Let me give you a spoiler-free synopsis of this movie: Edward and Bella have to protect their half-human half-vampire baby from the Volturi (who govern all vampires) because they think that the child is a full-on blood sucker, which is bad because vampiric children can't control their thirst, cause wanton destruction and could risk exposing their kind to humans. The Cullens then gather witnesses to meet with the Volturi to prove the child isn't immortal. They all meet in a snow-covered field. Credits. That's it.

This means that the final chapter of the saga is further burdened by the fact that they have to introduce a TON of new characters right before the big finale, which could have been OK were they not all as flat as cardboard. For example, there's "that one vampire who was in the Revolutionary War," which we remember because that's THE ONLY THING HE EVER TALKS ABOUT. The war ended 283 years prior to the events of this film yet he babbles on about it as if America were still fighting for it's independence. That's just lazy writing.

For a $75 million film, it's also not too fun to look at. I couldn't tell if the special effects were trying to stay faithful to the modestly-budgeted original film or if the animators just didn't care enough to make them look convincing. From the way characters run at super-speed, to their use of powers, to the eerie way that the young Renesmee's face looks exactly the same no matter how old she gets (she's seen as an infant to about 17 and every age in between), it's all poorly handled and results in some unintended hilarity.

Look how creepy this thing is!

One of the more interesting aspects of the film is Bella's transformation into a vampire, but it's still pretty underwhelming. She mostly takes to it like a well-worn shoe (aside from a slight incident with a mountain climber, if you can call it that), eliminating any sort of tension that could have come from discovering and controlling her new identity. It's a shame considering the rest of the film is sorely lacking in conflict. Her self-control is supposed to be indicative of her strong-willed character but it seems more like a missed opportunity. I will admit, though, that it's kind of nice to see Kristen Stewart unleashed a bit from the more emotionally-restrictive role of "Human Bella."

Also, I have to give a shout out to imprinting, which is beyond creepy.  I'ms orry but there's no justification for it. The only rational excuse for it's existence as a plot device is that the writer must have felt like Jacob needed some sort of consolation prize. So instead of getting Bella, he gets... Bella's daughter? Who he really doesn't deserve anyway considering he's a petulant, controlling, self-absorbed child who is among the most annoying characters in film history. The worst part? It's not made very clear whether Renesmee has much choice in the matter, which opens up a whole other subject that I don't even want to get into. Moving on...

The derivative anti-climax is sure to please fans of the book with the way that it subverts their expectations while remaining faithful but everyone else will roll their eyes so hard that their optic nerves will be put in jeopardy. The only thing that makes it more insulting is that they had to include a dash of deus ex machina to tie up the remaining loose ends. The best praise I can give is that it's probably as good as it could have been considering the source material, and Michael Sheen's performance as the leader of the Volturi is suitably wacky, acknowledging how ridiculous the whole thing is. He seems to be the only one in on the joke.

Of the franchise's many flaws, this one is the most glaring.

The plot barely moves, the dialogue is cringe-worthy and the acting and directing is incredibly shoddy. It's pretty obvious that most of the cast and crew haven't invested too much love, care or faith in the material, though it's hard to blame them when the studio is just trying to milk their cash cow for all it's worth. The coda includes a bit of fan service that's sure to please and, if I'm being honest, it's unlikely that those who loved the rest of the series will be disappointed with this one. I, however, went in as a mostly indifferent Twilight viewer and found it to be the hole that sunk the franchise ship into the sea of my contempt. I've heard rumblings of a franchise reboot in the near future. Nothing short of imprinting on it will convince me it's a good idea.

1 out of 5

Top Ten Guilty Pleasure Movies

Even the snobbiest of movie snobs can't deny that there are some horrible movies out there that we can't help but love. Oftentimes nostalgia kicks in and reminds us of another time and place in our lives that we feel compelled to revisit. Sometimes, it's because the movie's so bad that we find new avenues of enjoyment that that the filmmakers may not have intended. Occasionally  it's inexplicable.

Regardless of why, we all have films that we hold close to our hearts but may be embarrassed to admit it. I'm no exception. So, I figured a great way to kick off my Ten Top Ten would be to eschew any potential pretensions I may have and level with you. I like some really terrible movies. Fair warning: you may be shocked, repulsed or downright disturbed by what you you are about to see. These are my cinematic guilty pleasures.

10. The Notebook

Though it's status has been slightly diminished by the onslaught of Nicholas Sparks imitations (mostly, from Sparks himself), I still stand by the fact that The Notebook is one of the best and most enduring pure-romance films of the past decade. It's undeniably romantic, eminently quotable and is quite possibly the greatest date movie of all time. Plus, the chemistry between Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams is electric, and solidified them as two of the more bankable stars in Hollywood. It's time to man up, boys, and admit to the world that this movie makes you cry, and you love every second of it 

9. Last Action Hero

Framed around the story of a boy who somehow finds himself transported into the fictional world of his favorite action movie, I still maintain that Last Action Hero is one of the more brilliant satires out there. Arnold Schwarzenegger, being the good sport that he is, sends up the action movie cliches that he helped establish and gives a winking, self-deprecating performance as Jack Slater, a stereotypical action hero who is eventually thrust into the real world and no longer bound by the rules of movies. It's not always as clever as it thinks it is and the kid is quite annoying, but it's all in good fun and there are some interesting musings about the relationship between a writer and the characters that he or she creates. For a young boy (me) who grew up on action flicks, it's quite magical. Plus, it has a scene with Arnold as Hamlet. What more could you ask for?

8. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

This one coasts by almost entirely on nostalgia. I can't tell you how many times I watched this movie as a kid. So much so that I was still able to quote most of the film many years after I had moved on from the lovable heroes in a half shell. Looking back, I'm surprised by how dark the film is (both in terms of storytelling and the visual palette) and by how much the animatronic turtle suits still hold up, especially since little else does. Still, it's so goofy and unpretentious that I can't help but love it. It's a story about humanoid turtles... that are ninjas. What you see is what you get. Oh, it also spawned a sequel. And this slice of fried gold.

7. Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers: The Movie

This is another staple of my childhood. Aside from Back to the Future, I've probably seen this movie more than anything else. It is simply... AWESOME! There, I said it. The film opens with a fairly exhilarating sky-diving sequence, has an army of ooze people, some re-animated dinosaur skeletons, giant robots and rollerblading. ROLLERBLADING! (I was tempted to write this whole thing in all caps.) It's so over-the-top, unapologetically cheesy and filled with cringe-inducing, pun-laden dialogue (my favorite line: "I have a bone to pick with you!"), it's understandable that people loathed it. However, my love of the show and the mega scenery-chewing of Paul Freeman as the film's villain, Ivan Ooze ensures that I'll never conform to the majority opinion. I'm a Ranger for life.

6. The Boondock Saints

"The Boondock Saints is great!" you say? Well, I think so too, but hop over to it's Rotten Tomatoes page for a second and check out it's approval rating. Go ahead. I'll wait...

20 percent. 20 PERCENT! There are more critics out there that like That's My Boy than The Boondock Saints. Think about that for a moment. It's almost enough for me to reconsider my job aspirations. For those that haven't seen it, all you need to know is it has the man who eventually becomes Daryl Dixon, and Willem Dafoe dresses in drag. You're welcome.

5. Bad Boys II

...is such a bad movie. It's absolutely horrible. It's profane, cruel, beyond stupid, waaaaaayyyyy too long, ugly, Martin Lawrence, and morally repugnant to even the most open of minds. But, Michael Bay's single-minded insistence on topping himself with escalating action set pieces is mind-boggling. Say what you will about the man as a director, but he really knows how to blow stuff up in the most spectacular of fashion. Skip all the stuff in between and marvel at how much destruction the Fresh Prince and  Big Momma can cause without consequence. Dare I say, it's a work of art.

4. Little Nicky
This one gets points mostly for the fact that it's easily the weirdest thing that Adam Sandler has ever done and, by extension, one of the most creative. This zany high-concept comedy tasks Sandler with playing Nicky, the sweet-natured son of the devil (Harvey Keitel in a perfectly nutty performance) who must go to Earth to prevent his two brothers from literally unleashing Hell there. Filled to the brim with a cast of funny faces and excellent cameos (including Quentin Tarantino as a blind doom-spewing priest), the movie is so wacky that it's impossible for me not to succumb to its odd charms.

3. Joe Dirt
Some people would probably rather have Christopher Walken stab them in the face with a soldering iron than to have to watch this again, but I think Joe Dirt succeeds as the white trash alternative to Forrest Gump. Joe's quest to find his parents is sort of endearing and he imparts wisdom like a redneck sage. It must be the mullet. While it's excessive toilet humor wears thin after a while, Joe Dirt excels due to it's memorable cast of characters, great soundtrack and Mr. Dirte's ability to "keep on keepin' on" in the face of adversity. It's a garden. Dig it.

2. Space Jam
You know what? On second thought, there's no shame in this. Space Jam is great. Moving on.

1. Batman and Robin
This is it. The Cardinal Sin of movie geekdom. Any self-respecting Batman fan knows that this is the worst thing to happen to the Caped Crusader since... well... ever. The auteur of awful, Joel Schumacher directs the Batman franchise into the ground with Arnold Schwarzenegger's incessant puns, the overly broad acting, the camp tone and, of course, Batsuit nipples. Still, it's one of those movies in which their existence is so puzzling that I can't help but keep coming back to it and enjoying it for the strange beast that it is. A heaping of nostalgia doesn't hurt. It was a lot of fun as a kid.It's also comforting to know that if this hadn't been such a mess then we may not have had Christopher Nolan's masterful trilogy some years later. So, it's a good history lesson.

As you can probably tell, I'm reaching here. This one is about as inexcusable as it gets. I can't really explain it, but Batman and Robin is my ultimate guilty pleasure. Since I'm doing a poor job at justifying my love for such a train wreck, I'll let Mr. Freeze explain it for me: