Gravity

Director: Alfonso Cuarὀn

Starring: Sandra Bullock, George Clooney, Ed Harris

Written by: Alfonso Cuarὀn, Jonas Cuarὀn

Rated PG-13 for intense perilous sequences, some disturbing images and brief strong language

I felt physically exhausted after watching “Gravity.” I wasn’t simply sitting in a theater watching images pop on the screen with 3D glasses on my head and surround sound in my ears; I was careening through space for every terrifying second, fighting to survive. 

“Gravity” isn’t just a movie. It’s a metaphysical experience.

The plot of the film is ingeniously simple. Medical engineer and rookie spacewalker, Ryan Stone (Sandra Bullock), finds herself spiraling through the infinite expanse of space when debris destroys the shuttle that she’s working on with veteran astronaut Matt Kowalski (George Clooney). With a dwindling oxygen supply and no contact with Earth, Stone and Kowalski must work together to find a way home.

Just imagine how utterly horrifying it would be to be trapped in space, doomed to forever sail across a sea of emptiness without any way to steer yourself toward a destination. I imagine it as similar to being in a state of complete paralysis: conscious but helpless. It’s an intriguing thought for sure but can an entire movie be sustained on such a simple premise?

In the hands of director and co-writer Alfonso Cuarὀn, the answer is a resounding “yes.” There are some really inventive ways that he builds and releases tension, none of which I’ll spoil here. You’ll just have to trust me. The movie never fails to capture your attention.

“Gravity” is primal storytelling at its best, less focused on character arcs and more on wringing a kaleidoscope of emotion out of the audience. It’s alternately terrifying, thrilling, heartbreaking, awe-inspiring and breathtaking.

That’s not to say that the characters are undefined, quite the opposite in fact. The film gives us just enough information to connect with them as human beings without distracting us from the immediacy of the narrative. We identify with their internal struggles so that, when everything goes haywire, it feels like something is at stake.

It also helps that we’re given remarkable performances from the two leads, especially considering that they had to act mostly in front of a green screen while suspended in the air. Clooney brings his usual charm to a character who’s much nobler than what we typically see of the actor. He’s a voice to give us an occasional break from the terror that dominates the film. However, it’s Bullock who makes the film as compelling as it is.

Her desperation is evident in every facet of her performance, most notably in her erratic breathing, something she does so convincingly that I found myself involuntarily matching her pace. She’s the conduit through which the audience feels emotion and much of the film’s success is thanks to her total dedication to the demanding role. I fully expect her to take home a ton of awards for her work.

What’s just as impressive as the acting is the stunning scenery that surrounds the actors. The view of the Earth is majestic, especially when it eclipses the sun and casts varying bursts of light and color onto the screen. The effects are extraordinary and rendered in painstaking detail. You’ll marvel just as much at the destruction of a satellite – and the resulting confetti of debris – as you will at the way a person’s breath collects on the inside of their helmet.

It’s all framed by a camera that fluidly mimics the weightlessness of space, flowing and spinning around the characters in mostly unbroken takes (the first shot of the film is 13 minutes long.) It’s composed more like a dance than an action picture, recalling the iconic “Blue Danube” scene from “2001: A Space Odyssey.” The technique makes you feel like you’re a character in the film; an unseen entity tagging along for one wild ride.

I also highly recommend seeing the film in 3D, even if you’re not a fan of the format. The 3D is so thoroughly convincing that it feels like an extension of your own reality. It’s beyond immersive. It’s probably as close as you’ll ever get to actually traveling in space.

Cuarὀn cannot be given enough credit for making everything work as seamlessly as it does. It feels like an evolutionary step forward in cinema, not just in terms of technology and experimentation, but also in the way that he marries big-budget spectacle with the artistic sensibilities of less mainstream entertainment.

“Gravity” is stellar. This new classic in science fiction is worthy of being mentioned alongside masterpieces of the genre like “Star Wars” and the aforementioned “2001.” See it on the biggest screen possible. It’s one of the best and most adrenaline-inducing experiences I’ve ever had at the movies.

5 out of 5 stars.

Carrie

Director: Kimberly Pierce
Starring: Chloe Moretz, Julianne Moore, Ansel Elgort, Judy Greer, Portia Doubleday
Written by: Lawrence D. Cohen, Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa (screenplay), Stephen King (novel)
Rated R for bloody violence, disturbing images, language and some sexual content

Originally published in the East Tennessean

Kimberly Pierce’s remake of the classic horror film “Carrie” isn’t exactly a bad film, but it’s one that’s so beholden to the original that it comes across as lazy and unnecessary.

The strengths of “Carrie” rest in the timelessness of its subject matter. Social outcast Carrie White is mercilessly bullied by her high school classmates. At home she has to contend with her abusive mother, whose warped and ill-informed Fundamentalist views on religion are extreme to say the least.

Carrie is empowered when she discovers that she has telekinesis, which revealed itself when she went through puberty. As Carrie cultivates her power, a few of her classmates scheme to humiliate her at prom. The consequences are devastating.

I’m not really one for comparing films, even when it comes to sequels and remakes. I like to judge a movie on its own merits and not those established by outside influences. However, I feel that comparisons to Brian De Palma’s 1976 adaptation of the Stephen King tale are impossible to avoid because the new film rarely ever attempts to step out of the exploding shadow of its predecessor.

Entire scenes, shots and sections of dialogue are lifted wholesale from the original film, so much so that it makes it feel less like homage and more like outright plagiarism. I understand it’s a remake, and many people prefer their classic tales to remain untouched, but I feel that the point of a remake is to offer new perspectives or update the story to make it more relatable to modern sensibilities.

Scenes between Chloe Moretz and Ansel Elgort
are surprisingly sweet. 

The only way that they bring the story into the present is with a minor plot point involving a cell phone, where the infamous shower scene is videoed and put up on YouTube. Other than that, the few changes that are made actually diminish the movie’s impact.

There seem to be fewer scenes about Carrie’s status as an outsider and more that focus on her tormentors. This would have been an interesting perspective had the care been taken to develop these characters and analyze why they are or aren’t conflicted with their feelings toward Carrie.

The book and original film do a great job of this, but in the new film you just get the same vapid teens in the same high school milieu that populate every other generic horror film. It feels inauthentic and you end up caring very little about what happens to the characters.

It’s a shame we see less of Carrie and her mother, Margaret, because the two main actresses are the best part of the movie. Chloe Grace Moretz does a great job of showing us just how demoralizing it can be to suffer from bullying every day, and how empowering it must feel to discover that she can fight back.

Although, honestly, I think that Moretz is a little too pretty to be completely believable as a pariah. Of course, that’s not a knock against her. It’s not her fault. You’d just think the make-up department would do more than ruffle her hair to show why most of the boys find her unattractive.

Carrie’s mother is a tricky role to pull off -- it could have easily devolved into over-the-top hysterics -- but Julianne Moore balances the benevolence with the malevolence very well. Margaret’s behavior is somewhat subdued compared to the earlier adaptations but, nonetheless, Moore is a fierce presence that gives the mostly inert movie some signs of life.

"You've got red on you."

Also, the final outburst of violence is disturbing for all the wrong reasons. It’s a little too slickly stylized and special-effects driven. It revels in the violence rather than portraying it as the tragedy that it is, and it just feels wrong. We’re supposed to regret the death that ensues when Carrie snaps, not cheer it on.

I’m always happy to see a film attempt to shed light on the issue of bullying. Most kids and teens who bully don’t realize the profound psychological effect their actions have to those on the receiving end.

While that message is there and clear in “Carrie,” unfortunately, it’s diluted by its broad characterizations, toned-down content and inability to make the film relevant to a modern audience. It looks even worse in the wake of last year’s excellent film “Chronicle” which is a loose re-imagining of “Carrie,” only from a male perspective.

Coming from the director of the thoughtful and wrenching “Boys Don’t Cry,” I was hoping this new version of “Carrie” would be a more grounded, gritty and emotional examination of teenage oppression, as opposed to the stylized and dreamy approach that De Palma took. Unfortunately, it seems that this version of “Carrie” was crafted more with a paycheck in mind than a message.

If you've not seen the original film or read the book, then you may enjoy this movie for the simple pleasures it offers. Even if much of it is copied from another movie, it’s still looking over the shoulder of a great piece of entertainment. Just keep in mind that there are better alternatives out there.

2.5 out of 5

Captain Phillips

Director: Paul Greengrass
Starring: Tom Hanks, Barkhad Abdi, Catherine Keener
Written by: Billy Ray (screenplay), Richard Phillips (based upon the book "A Captain's Duty: Somali Pirates, Navy SEALS, and Dangerous Days at Sea")
Rated PG-13 for sustained intense sequences of menace, some violence with bloody images, and for substance use

Originally published in the East Tennessean.

 “Captain Phillips” is a gripping true story that rises above other thrillers due to the humanity and moral complexity of its characters.

The movie is based on the 2009 hijacking of the merchant vessel Maersk Alabama by four Somali pirates. The ship’s captain, Richard Phillips, was taken hostage which prompted the United States Navy to initiate a rescue operation. 

The part of Phillips is played to magnificent effect by the one and only Tom Hanks, who reminds us again why he is one of Hollywood’s greatest treasures. 

The role is quite demanding, both physically and emotionally, and Hanks matches the varying character pitches perfectly. He effectively exudes confidence while also keeping a twinkle of terror and vulnerability in his eye. His powerful performance in the film’s final moments brought me to tears and I’m not ashamed to admit it.

Breakout star Barkhad Abdi is magnetic. 

Though Hanks is the protagonist, I’d argue that the real star of the film is newcomer Barkhad Abdi, who plays Muse, the leader of the Somali pirates. His menacing demeanor disguises a wounded soul who’s only there as a victim of circumstances beyond his control. Muse is not a man motivated by greed, he’s motivated by survival.

He’s much like Phillips in this way. They’re both just trying to do the job they have to do to get by. Their shared humanity gives them an uneasy, unspoken alliance. Each may be standing in the other’s way but there’s a mutual sense of respect and understanding.

Both know that this is a collision course that simply could not have been averted.

The film dares to make us feel compassion for the antagonists where other films typically do not. They’re more than just cardboard cutouts to take pot shots at, we become attached to them. These are real people with real lives. When the Navy finally comes in and begs for a peaceful resolution, you pray they can find one, even if in your gut you know it doesn’t exist.

In a routine Hollywood production, the end of this film would be a triumph; a celebration of the efficiency of the American military and American resolve. In “Captain Phillips” it’s a tragedy; the unintended consequences of the global economy. There are no heroes or villains here, only victims.

Coming from Paul Greengrass, who directed “United 93” and the last two-thirds of the Bourne trilogy, it’s no surprise that the film features an almost overwhelming attention to detail. In the beginning, the dedication to procedure and authenticity is a little off-putting; giving the film a sluggish pace, but his documentary-like approach is ultimately what grabs us and throws us into a seat on the ship with the captured crew.

This subtle way of building anticipation ensures that everyone who sees the film will be digging their

nails into the nearest armrest, leg, wrist or helpless pet they can find.

The climax is almost unbearably intense. Be ready for it. 

Film is a monumentally powerful medium, and it’s always encouraging to see people like Greengrass – along with screenwriter Billy Ray -- leverage their art for understanding. “Captain Phillips” is the kind of movie that helps us to fathom the human condition, and see the world in a way that’s just not as visible without the aid of film. If we as humans have to share a planet with one another, we should at least strive for perspective so that we can coexist as peacefully as possible.

I’m not sure if “Captain Phillips” will do anything to advance the human race in such a profound way, but it’s commendable that it even tries. It does, however, have the potential to at least start a few conversations and that’s a step in the right direction.

“Captain Phillips” is a terrific film because it uses its entertainment value as a thriller to force the viewer to ask questions about the characters and themselves, and to reexamine how one feels about difficult topics like terrorism, globalization and – the greatest mystery of all – our fellow man. It will hold you captive. 

4.5 out of 5

The World's End

Director: Edgar Wright
Starring: Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Martin Freeman, Paddy Considine, Eddie Marsan, Rosamund Pike, Pierce Brosnan
Written by: Simon Pegg, Edgar Wright
Rated R for pervasive language including sexual references

Originally published in the East Tennessean

The team behind “Shaun of the Dead” and “Hot Fuzz” are back to conclude their loose trilogy of comedy mayhem with “The World’s End,” and just like its predecessors, it’s a slice of fried gold.

“The World’s End” is the funniest comedy of the year. It’s also an exhilarating action movie, a prescient science fiction film and a heartfelt buddy flick. Brewed together, these elements make for the one of the most enjoyable films I’ve seen in quite some time.

Simon Pegg (who co-wrote the film with director Edgar Wright) plays Gary King, an alcoholic who’s so stuck in the past that he continues to wear the same black duster that he brandished in his glory days. His life plateaued in 1990, when he and his four friends attempted to complete ‘The Golden Mile:’ 12 pubs, 12 pints, one night. The only problem is that they all became so drunk that they failed to complete their journey.

Pegg's manic performance is the highlight of the film. 

Fast-forward to present day and Gary has an epiphany at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting that sends him scrambling to get the estranged gang back together, and return to their hometown of Newton Haven to finally complete their epic pub crawl.

Pegg is perfect in the role, giving the best performance of his career thus far. Gary is obnoxious, narcissistic, manipulative, and clueless but he’s also oddly charming and endearing. You can’t help but sympathize with his pathetic plight to get the band back together because you know this adventure is all he has left in the world.

However, each of his four friends is a tough sell, having moved on to seemingly idyllic lifestyles. Oliver (Martin Freeman) sells real estate, Steven (Paddy Considine) is an architect, Peter is heir to a BMW car dealership and Andy (Pegg’s usual partner-in-crime Nick Frost) is a corporate lawyer who’s 16 years sober thanks to Gary’s past antics.

The “Five Musketeers,” as Gary calls them, decide to come together mostly out of pity for their friend, but a few drinks in and they’re all mostly back to their past brotherly rapport. There’s a wonderful sense of camaraderie. The dialogue between the gang is quick, catchy and consistently funny.

A lot of care was put into the characters’ back stories and shared history making it feel like you’re actually dropping in on the musings of old friends. As the alcohol flows, the boys share fond memories, inside jokes and even rekindle friendly rivalries.

The acting is flawless. I especially enjoyed the subtle way the characters seem to get more intoxicated as the night wears on. You can tell the actors are having a blast. The sense of fun is palpable.

And then the real fun begins.

It would be criminal to spoil what happens next, but I will say that eventually Gary and company discover that their livers aren’t all that’s being threatened by their return to Newton Haven. A battle ensues that puts their lives -- and possibly the fate of the entire world -- at risk.

Where “Shaun of the Dead” spoofed horror films and “Hot Fuzz” took aim at action movies, “The World’s End” has set its sights on science fiction, and the omnipresent theme of apocalypse that runs rampant in our popular culture.

The action is elegantly choreographed and shot with an infectious energy thanks to director Edgar Wright’s signature organic transitions and punchy editing. The special effects are dazzling for a film of this scale and really draw you in to the more outlandish proceedings of the second half.

What I enjoyed most, though, were the pauses in the action and showmanship, where the tension between the characters is brought into the foreground. At the heart of “The World’s End” is a touching and emotional ode to friendship and a reminder that it’s not your past that matters, it’s who you shared it with that’s important.

Such drastic tonal shifts would seem jarring and contrived in a less accomplished film, but Wright weaves together these disparate genres seamlessly. I will admit that some scenes feel rushed, and the third act is a little rough, but it does little to harm the overall impact. This truly is a film with something for everyone.

Edgar Wright, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost have completed the quintessential comedy trilogy. Here’s hoping that these three immensely talented musketeers can continue to collaborate well after “The World’s End.”

4.5 out of 5 Stars. 

Top Ten Horror Films

Horror was the last genre that I embraced as a movie lover. I don't really enjoyed being scared. In fact, it kind of makes me angry most of the time (just ask my wife.) I've also found that most of the horror films that I've seen are pretty contrived, and are more concerned with upping the gore factor than with telling an effective story.

While I still believe that there are exponentially more bad scary movies than good, it's understandable given that it's possibly the most difficult genre for a director to pull off well, but it's worth sorting through the garbage to find the few gems. Great horror movies allow us to confront our fears in a safe environment and posit tough questions so that we may discover new things about ourselves. They show us the unthinkable so that we may think on the horrors that exist in our daily lives. They aren't content to simply scare, they create an atmosphere, envelop us and linger in the sub-conscious long after the movie's over. They are reflexive, cathartic, therapeutic. This is what horror does better than anything else and it's why I've come to love being scared. These are the top ten horror films that provoked the strongest reactions out of me.

10. Scream

This is one of the first slasher films I ever saw (through my fingers) and it holds up beautifully. It works so well as a horror film that I often forget it's also a clever spoof that takes aim at the precise formula that the slasher genre had devolved into. The iconic opening scene ratchets the tension up to 11 and never relents. The self-aware dialogue is so funny and such a joy to behold that it makes you forget what kind of movie you're watching. This renders the resulting descent into horror so much more harrowing. Scream adeptly skewers the competition while also being better at skewering than the competition. It has guts and brains, a rare combination.

9. The Blair Witch Project

The spawn of the found-footage epidemic is still one of the best examples of how to use the convention right. This film reminds us that what we don't see is often far more terrifying than what we do see. The film purports to be an actual documentary, following a small group of kids into the woods of their sleepy New England town in search of the fabled Blair Witch. The realistic presentation absorbs us into the film as if we're one of the characters and makes the terror within feel entirely too plausible for comfort. At the time of it's release, there were even some people who didn't realize the film was fictional. For me, this is still one of the most unsettling viewing experiences of my life. The final frames haunted me for days. 

8. 28 Days Later

The Walking Dead owes an enormous debt of gratitude to this British zombie flick. The film follows Jim, who awakens from a coma in an abandoned hospital (sound familiar yet) only to discover that an outbreak has turned most citizens into mindless flesh eaters. The similarities don't end there. The film also chooses to focus less on the "monsters" and more on the social decay that follows such an event and how it affects the humanity of its survivors. The difference is that the zombies here aren't zombies at all, they're rage-infected humans. They're fast, feral and probably the most frightening incarnation of the undead ever conjured. A single drop of their blood can infect a human in 20 seconds flat. There is no such thing as a comforting farewell here. The terror is relentless, the drama is poignant and the film is a masterpiece of the genre. 

7. A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

It may not be the scariest movie ever made but I dare you to dream up a more frightening concept than a man who can invade your dreams and kill you in your sleep. Sleep is necessary. Sleep is inevitable. There's no escape. No matter how much you resist, you have to succumb to it eventually. Here the teens have to face off against one of the most chilling and enduring horror icons in film history: the razor-gloved, hideously disfigured Freddy Krueger. The dialogue and acting may be a bit dated but there's no denying that the film exudes style, keeps the scares coming in rapid succession and toys with our perception of reality in some inventive ways. Freddy became a bit more comical as the series went on but here he's as serious as a heart attack and his appearance alone is likely to give you one. 

6. Bug

Nevermind The Exorcist, this is William Friedkin's masterpiece. Set in a single hotel room, Bug weaves a tale warning about the pitfalls of unquestioning love and unsubstantiated paranoia. On the surface, it more closely resembles a low-key character drama than a traditional horror film. Make no mistake, the film is a foreboding slow burn that escalates into something that -- like the titular "bugs" that may or may not exist -- really gets under your skin. Michael Shannon's performance in this movie is, frankly, one of the best I've ever seen in anything. Even during scenes where it's all you want to do, you can't take your eyes off of him. He's magnetic, ferocious, uncompromising, unbelievable yet utterly convincing. He makes you want to believe in him, even though you know you shouldn't, which is where the true horror in this film lies. 

5. The Fly (1986)

It may sound odd but this is the kind of movie I like to watch when I'm sick because, even though I may feel awful, I can always say, "hey, at least I'm not that guy. That guy in question is Seth Brundle (Jeff Goldblum) a brilliant scientist who has discovered the key to teleportation. At least, he thinks he has. The only thing needed to prove his invention is a human trial. A lone fly gets trapped in the pod with him and the two become one. Goldblum's transformation is, to put it bluntly, disgusting. He's slowly falling apart but he's also slowly falling in love with Veronica (Geena Davis) which makes his decay sting with tragedy. Anyone who's had a loved one suffer from a terminal illness will know that the pain in this film is anything but fiction. 

4. The Thing (1982)

Imagine an organism that can absorb and assume the appearance and memories of anything it touches. How do you know who's themself and who's... something else. The sense of paranoia in John Carpenters The Thing is almost unbearable and it's made even more tense by the atmosphere that he creates. The Antarctic setting leaves you feeling cold and isolated. The Thing forces us to question our perceptions of ourselves and our neighbors. We never know when something sinister is lurking beneath the surface of even our closest friends. Carpenter preys on that fear mercilessly. The movie has one of the best ambiguous endings of all time and Kurt Russel is the ultimate badass. His beard alone should have been enough to scare the thing away. It would me. 

3. Jaws

It's kind of strange to think that the world's first blockbuster was a horror movie. Alas, Jaws is the quintessential horror movie and launched the career of one of the world's most renowned directors, Steven Spielberg, though I can't give him all the credit. The malfunctioning shark prop prompted Spielberg to only give us fleeting glimpses of the shark until the big showdown at the end. The gamble worked. It capitalizes on our fear of the unknown and keeps us shaking in our seats in anticipation of the big reveal. It doesn't hurt that the rest of the movie is top-notch too, with well-rounded characters, memorable lines and that dreadful John Williams score, it's amazing to think that it was considered a huge risk before it was released. Though, I guess not as big of a risk as skinny-dipping off the coast of Amity Island. 

2. Let Me In

Let Me In is the story of two young misfits growing up in New Mexico, dealing with bullies, family drama, etc. Oh, did I mention that one of them (Chloe Moretz) is a vampire? Easily the most poetic of all the films on the list, the film works beautifully as a both a melancholic coming-of-age tale and a new take on the vampire mythos. The performances are magnificent, especially the mature turns from the two young leads, who were around 12-years-old at the time of filming. The characters are vividly drawn, the story is moving and the horror is understated yet affecting. Many think the original Swedish film Let the Right One In is superior, and maybe it is, but I'm a sucker for the American setting and 80s pop culture references. 

1. Alien

Alien often feels like a dream. The way the camera floats around the halls of the richly detailed spaceship is mesmerizing. It lulls you into a feeling of comfort early on, and then betrays you by setting a deadly alien loose aboard the ship. Much like The Thing, the sense of alienation is overwhelming. There's no means of escape and the Alien's acidic blood means you can't destroy it without punching a hole in the ship and killing the entire crew. What's more interesting is that the Alien's nature isn't really homicidal at all, it's simply trying to survive. The "And Then There Were None" formula has rarely been put to better use, if ever. This is achieved mostly by making us care about the characters, especially Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver), film's greatest heroine. It also looks like it was filmed yesterday and includes some extraordinary practical effects which have rendered the film timeless. Oh, did I mention it's scary? It's not only the best horror movie ever made, it's also one of my favorite movies of all time. 

Honorable Mentions: Evil Dead II, The Cabin in the Woods, Cabin Fever, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Silence of the Lambs, The Crazies, Dawn of the Dead, Frankenstein. 

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2

Director: Bill Condon
Starring: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Billy Burke, Michael Sheen.
Written by: Melissa Rosenberg (screenplay) Stephenie Meyer (novel).
Rated PG-13 for sequences of violence including disturbing images, some sensuality and partial nudity.

When it comes to the Twilight franchise, I've always existed somewhere in the middle of the spectrum. I fail to comprehend the reason behind the series' immense success, but I also think that the backlash it has received in response to it's popularity is unwarranted. At least, I used to feel that way. That is, until I saw Breaking Dawn Part 2 and was forced onto the naysayers' bandwagon against my will. This movie is about as bad as it gets.

Guess who wins...
You're wrong. 

It's abundantly clear that the decision to split the final chapter into two films was entirely a financial one. There's absolutely no creative excuse for it, and the film suffers tremendously. It's all filler, no killer, if you will. Let me give you a spoiler-free synopsis of this movie: Edward and Bella have to protect their half-human half-vampire baby from the Volturi (who govern all vampires) because they think that the child is a full-on blood sucker, which is bad because vampiric children can't control their thirst, cause wanton destruction and could risk exposing their kind to humans. The Cullens then gather witnesses to meet with the Volturi to prove the child isn't immortal. They all meet in a snow-covered field. Credits. That's it.

This means that the final chapter of the saga is further burdened by the fact that they have to introduce a TON of new characters right before the big finale, which could have been OK were they not all as flat as cardboard. For example, there's "that one vampire who was in the Revolutionary War," which we remember because that's THE ONLY THING HE EVER TALKS ABOUT. The war ended 283 years prior to the events of this film yet he babbles on about it as if America were still fighting for it's independence. That's just lazy writing.

For a $75 million film, it's also not too fun to look at. I couldn't tell if the special effects were trying to stay faithful to the modestly-budgeted original film or if the animators just didn't care enough to make them look convincing. From the way characters run at super-speed, to their use of powers, to the eerie way that the young Renesmee's face looks exactly the same no matter how old she gets (she's seen as an infant to about 17 and every age in between), it's all poorly handled and results in some unintended hilarity.

Look how creepy this thing is!

One of the more interesting aspects of the film is Bella's transformation into a vampire, but it's still pretty underwhelming. She mostly takes to it like a well-worn shoe (aside from a slight incident with a mountain climber, if you can call it that), eliminating any sort of tension that could have come from discovering and controlling her new identity. It's a shame considering the rest of the film is sorely lacking in conflict. Her self-control is supposed to be indicative of her strong-willed character but it seems more like a missed opportunity. I will admit, though, that it's kind of nice to see Kristen Stewart unleashed a bit from the more emotionally-restrictive role of "Human Bella."

Also, I have to give a shout out to imprinting, which is beyond creepy.  I'ms orry but there's no justification for it. The only rational excuse for it's existence as a plot device is that the writer must have felt like Jacob needed some sort of consolation prize. So instead of getting Bella, he gets... Bella's daughter? Who he really doesn't deserve anyway considering he's a petulant, controlling, self-absorbed child who is among the most annoying characters in film history. The worst part? It's not made very clear whether Renesmee has much choice in the matter, which opens up a whole other subject that I don't even want to get into. Moving on...

The derivative anti-climax is sure to please fans of the book with the way that it subverts their expectations while remaining faithful but everyone else will roll their eyes so hard that their optic nerves will be put in jeopardy. The only thing that makes it more insulting is that they had to include a dash of deus ex machina to tie up the remaining loose ends. The best praise I can give is that it's probably as good as it could have been considering the source material, and Michael Sheen's performance as the leader of the Volturi is suitably wacky, acknowledging how ridiculous the whole thing is. He seems to be the only one in on the joke.

Of the franchise's many flaws, this one is the most glaring.

The plot barely moves, the dialogue is cringe-worthy and the acting and directing is incredibly shoddy. It's pretty obvious that most of the cast and crew haven't invested too much love, care or faith in the material, though it's hard to blame them when the studio is just trying to milk their cash cow for all it's worth. The coda includes a bit of fan service that's sure to please and, if I'm being honest, it's unlikely that those who loved the rest of the series will be disappointed with this one. I, however, went in as a mostly indifferent Twilight viewer and found it to be the hole that sunk the franchise ship into the sea of my contempt. I've heard rumblings of a franchise reboot in the near future. Nothing short of imprinting on it will convince me it's a good idea.

1 out of 5

Top Ten Guilty Pleasure Movies

Even the snobbiest of movie snobs can't deny that there are some horrible movies out there that we can't help but love. Oftentimes nostalgia kicks in and reminds us of another time and place in our lives that we feel compelled to revisit. Sometimes, it's because the movie's so bad that we find new avenues of enjoyment that that the filmmakers may not have intended. Occasionally  it's inexplicable.

Regardless of why, we all have films that we hold close to our hearts but may be embarrassed to admit it. I'm no exception. So, I figured a great way to kick off my Ten Top Ten would be to eschew any potential pretensions I may have and level with you. I like some really terrible movies. Fair warning: you may be shocked, repulsed or downright disturbed by what you you are about to see. These are my cinematic guilty pleasures.

10. The Notebook

Though it's status has been slightly diminished by the onslaught of Nicholas Sparks imitations (mostly, from Sparks himself), I still stand by the fact that The Notebook is one of the best and most enduring pure-romance films of the past decade. It's undeniably romantic, eminently quotable and is quite possibly the greatest date movie of all time. Plus, the chemistry between Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams is electric, and solidified them as two of the more bankable stars in Hollywood. It's time to man up, boys, and admit to the world that this movie makes you cry, and you love every second of it 

9. Last Action Hero

Framed around the story of a boy who somehow finds himself transported into the fictional world of his favorite action movie, I still maintain that Last Action Hero is one of the more brilliant satires out there. Arnold Schwarzenegger, being the good sport that he is, sends up the action movie cliches that he helped establish and gives a winking, self-deprecating performance as Jack Slater, a stereotypical action hero who is eventually thrust into the real world and no longer bound by the rules of movies. It's not always as clever as it thinks it is and the kid is quite annoying, but it's all in good fun and there are some interesting musings about the relationship between a writer and the characters that he or she creates. For a young boy (me) who grew up on action flicks, it's quite magical. Plus, it has a scene with Arnold as Hamlet. What more could you ask for?

8. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

This one coasts by almost entirely on nostalgia. I can't tell you how many times I watched this movie as a kid. So much so that I was still able to quote most of the film many years after I had moved on from the lovable heroes in a half shell. Looking back, I'm surprised by how dark the film is (both in terms of storytelling and the visual palette) and by how much the animatronic turtle suits still hold up, especially since little else does. Still, it's so goofy and unpretentious that I can't help but love it. It's a story about humanoid turtles... that are ninjas. What you see is what you get. Oh, it also spawned a sequel. And this slice of fried gold.

7. Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers: The Movie

This is another staple of my childhood. Aside from Back to the Future, I've probably seen this movie more than anything else. It is simply... AWESOME! There, I said it. The film opens with a fairly exhilarating sky-diving sequence, has an army of ooze people, some re-animated dinosaur skeletons, giant robots and rollerblading. ROLLERBLADING! (I was tempted to write this whole thing in all caps.) It's so over-the-top, unapologetically cheesy and filled with cringe-inducing, pun-laden dialogue (my favorite line: "I have a bone to pick with you!"), it's understandable that people loathed it. However, my love of the show and the mega scenery-chewing of Paul Freeman as the film's villain, Ivan Ooze ensures that I'll never conform to the majority opinion. I'm a Ranger for life.

6. The Boondock Saints

"The Boondock Saints is great!" you say? Well, I think so too, but hop over to it's Rotten Tomatoes page for a second and check out it's approval rating. Go ahead. I'll wait...

20 percent. 20 PERCENT! There are more critics out there that like That's My Boy than The Boondock Saints. Think about that for a moment. It's almost enough for me to reconsider my job aspirations. For those that haven't seen it, all you need to know is it has the man who eventually becomes Daryl Dixon, and Willem Dafoe dresses in drag. You're welcome.

5. Bad Boys II

...is such a bad movie. It's absolutely horrible. It's profane, cruel, beyond stupid, waaaaaayyyyy too long, ugly, Martin Lawrence, and morally repugnant to even the most open of minds. But, Michael Bay's single-minded insistence on topping himself with escalating action set pieces is mind-boggling. Say what you will about the man as a director, but he really knows how to blow stuff up in the most spectacular of fashion. Skip all the stuff in between and marvel at how much destruction the Fresh Prince and  Big Momma can cause without consequence. Dare I say, it's a work of art.

4. Little Nicky
This one gets points mostly for the fact that it's easily the weirdest thing that Adam Sandler has ever done and, by extension, one of the most creative. This zany high-concept comedy tasks Sandler with playing Nicky, the sweet-natured son of the devil (Harvey Keitel in a perfectly nutty performance) who must go to Earth to prevent his two brothers from literally unleashing Hell there. Filled to the brim with a cast of funny faces and excellent cameos (including Quentin Tarantino as a blind doom-spewing priest), the movie is so wacky that it's impossible for me not to succumb to its odd charms.

3. Joe Dirt
Some people would probably rather have Christopher Walken stab them in the face with a soldering iron than to have to watch this again, but I think Joe Dirt succeeds as the white trash alternative to Forrest Gump. Joe's quest to find his parents is sort of endearing and he imparts wisdom like a redneck sage. It must be the mullet. While it's excessive toilet humor wears thin after a while, Joe Dirt excels due to it's memorable cast of characters, great soundtrack and Mr. Dirte's ability to "keep on keepin' on" in the face of adversity. It's a garden. Dig it.

2. Space Jam
You know what? On second thought, there's no shame in this. Space Jam is great. Moving on.

1. Batman and Robin
This is it. The Cardinal Sin of movie geekdom. Any self-respecting Batman fan knows that this is the worst thing to happen to the Caped Crusader since... well... ever. The auteur of awful, Joel Schumacher directs the Batman franchise into the ground with Arnold Schwarzenegger's incessant puns, the overly broad acting, the camp tone and, of course, Batsuit nipples. Still, it's one of those movies in which their existence is so puzzling that I can't help but keep coming back to it and enjoying it for the strange beast that it is. A heaping of nostalgia doesn't hurt. It was a lot of fun as a kid.It's also comforting to know that if this hadn't been such a mess then we may not have had Christopher Nolan's masterful trilogy some years later. So, it's a good history lesson.

As you can probably tell, I'm reaching here. This one is about as inexcusable as it gets. I can't really explain it, but Batman and Robin is my ultimate guilty pleasure. Since I'm doing a poor job at justifying my love for such a train wreck, I'll let Mr. Freeze explain it for me: